Saturday, January 31, 2009

How to Look Awesome Part 2

Dear fans,

My mom says everyone
LOVED my post from last Sunday.
Showcasing my use of make up
So I thought I would enlighten you again.

See this hair?
This didn't come naturally.
I worked on it all night.

In order to achieve this height
and level of tangling
You must sleep face down in your pillow
and occasionally rub your forehead back and forth
into your pillowcase.
(Hint: this also adds to the static that make it stand straight up)
You should also probably scream
really loud
when your mom tries to comb it out.
After all, you were working it, Right?

Once again, you can always comment
and my mom will read it to me.
I should be able to supply you with more pictures
another morning this week.


Friday, January 30, 2009

Yeah, Fat girl got skills.

So today,
my new trainer,
his sales technique worked like a charm
on chubby old me,
kicked my butt.

He is this super muscly really cute guy from California
that DELIGHTED in making me do ten more.
Then ten more.
I DELIGHTED when he tripped on a yoga mat and fell
on his very well shaped butt
in front of the entire cardio kick boxing room
full of skinny women,
while getting a medicine ball to further torture me.
Ha. Karma is a Bi*** isn't it?

He swears that it is possible to for me to loose
fifty pounds
by August.
If Baron swears it, I should believe it right?
Well if the condition of my jello legs after 30 minutes proves it,
then hello to the new me.
You won't even know me I will be so hot.

I am laughing so hard as I am writing this
that I am almost falling out of the chair.
Me hot?
Me believe muscle man Baron?
We shall see.

He did reaffirm my belief in planks however.
I hate them, but I like to think that someday
when I have buns of steal,
and no fat rolls on my back,
and washboard abs,
(I am laughing hysterically again)
that I will love them then,
for the beauty that they have revealed.

Baron did make me feel slightly better about my extreme out of shapedness
when he said that i was actually stronger and better at his torture devices
than he thought I would be.
To that I say
Yeah, fat girl got skills.

Plus, Ryan says he will take me back to Hawaii if I lose 50 pounds.
He should never have offered.
You do not even know how serious I am about that.
When my knees were going week and my arms were quivering,
I was visualizing me,
and my hot bod in Hawaii.


A favorite quote comes to mind.
I think it is going to be my Mantra. Its a church hymn.

DO what is right, be faithful and fearless
Onward, press onward, the goal is in sight.

Faithful and fearless, the goal is in sight.
Is that sacrilegious to use a church hymn that way?

This Chunky Dunker is goin' dippin' in the skinny pool.
Just watch me.

To actually watch me and to get inspiration for yourself,
you should go to my sisters newly created blog.
She has great tips and I comment there a lot about my progress.
If you leave tips and ideas she will use them in posts.

Sentencing Postponed

So today was supposed to be the sentencing of


David Lester Ragsdale

For killing his wife,


Kristy Koreen Palizzi Ragsdale

The funny thing is

He conveniently became too sick
to attend his own sentencing.

(Really it was not funny.
I canceled plans with pals,
dragged Holly out of bed,
made my husband babysit,
rearranged my schedule,
and drove thirty minutes)

I learned this
when I saw the
yellow sticky note
on the elevator door
at the court house
Professional huh?

10:30 am

Frustration and anger.
David Ragsdale is STILL ruining people's day
from his jail cell.
Where apparently he has been violently ill
for the past 10 days.
He probably ate soap.

Have we learned nothing people?
He is a liar and manipulator
He has anxiety issues.
People with anxiety
often have severe stomach upset

when anxious.
Would being locked in an 8x12 concrete cell
for the rest of the foreseeable future
give you anxiety?
It would.

He's not ever gonna feel better.
He shouldn't
His kids won't ever feel better about being orphaned
His neighbors are not going to forget being traumatized.
I won't forget loosing a friend.
God won't forget his choice to take a life.
Satan won't either.

You made the choice mister,
get on with the consequence
so the rest of us
can get on with our lives.

Like Kristy's mom said when I talked to her today.
Give him some depends and a barf bag
and lead him in.

I don't ever want to devote another day to thinking about
(cursing about really)
David Lester Ragsdale

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

North Facing Houses, and why you should avoid them...

That's pretty much the reason why.

The ice on our driveway was 4 inches thick.
Think I'm kidding? Check out the ice chunks
That JRP is throwing in the road.

Then notice that he is doing this
In his shirt and tie,
And dress pants and fancy shoes.
He got home from work and
"Just wanted to get it done"

Cohen thought that this was the coolest thing ever.

JRP started slinging it really high so Cohen
could watch it crash on the road.
Boys are so weird.
Watching ice smash onto the road is mesmerizing,

Then JRP felt bad for leaving
great big ice chunks
in the street.

(I said who cares.)

So he then spent the next 20 minutes

breaking the chunks up with the shovel.

Cohen thought this was cool as well.
(Like I said, boys are weird.)
And tried to help.

Then he cheesed it up for me.

So once again, you can see my driveway,
and it is not a major hazard
to navigate when coming to my house.
Thank you honey for putting on such a entertaining show,
and for getting rid of my ice.
I appreciate both.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

The Awful, Horrible, No good, Very Bad Day

I have sometimes used the phrase
"I think that the world is conspiring against me today."

I have been working out for weeks.
weeks i tell you.
The pouring sweat, knees weak,
gasping for breath working out.
haven't lost a pound.

My husband only gets paid once a month
i was so excited because today was the day
i finally had some money.
His car broke down on the way home from work
Completely out of the blue.
I now have no money.

I hold out hope for the tax return
But you can't get a tax return without a w2
and my employer is the slowest on the planet evidently.
Still nothing today.
And its the 27th!

I need to go in to work tonight
to earn money
to fix the car
but my husband is at a Spurs/Jazz game
and my brother in law is MIA
and I don't want to drive an hour round trip
to take them to my sisters
when I am only going to be working
for two hours.

I have a migraine.
And my house is a mess.

I probably need to start praying now
that tomorrow will be better.
Because I don't want another today

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Getting Ready

Did you look this good when you left for church this morning?

Don't be intimidated!
You can look this good too!

Eat the frosting only off of three donuts...

Then sneak your mom's mascara off the counter
when she is in the shower.
Smear freely all over your face.

See? Piece of cake.
Comment for further instructions.

Weekend Wishes

Wishing you a warm and cozy weekend

With Love,
The One Boot Wonder

Thursday, January 22, 2009

For Your Viewing Pleasure

I love mornings when I wake up, and it looks like this.

We haven't had one this week

Due to the nasty inversion pollution that is making everything,

Even the sky, look dingy and gray.

Don't even ask if this is my house.
I wish.
Its at the end of my street
and I thought it looked like a postcard.

Unlike the sky now.

Snow and cover up the nasty
Let it all melt.

The yucky in between is depressing.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Snow Much Fun

What do you get when you combine a cold cloudy sunset

And a nasty dirty pile of snow?

An awesome sledding adventure!

Or so my kids thought.


(I was so sure he would hate it that I almost didn't let him go out)

Giggled from the top of the hill to the bottom

and was so anxious to get as many turns as possible
that he started hauling the broken chunk of sled up the hill.

Warning: this is only possible
for someone with a VERY little bum.
Every one else gets snow wedgies when they try this.
Ask me how I know.

The only problem came when he got to the bottom.

Anyone seen the Christmas Story?
Aww...come on guys, come on.

Bryn decided that she was just fine
supervising events from the bottom of the hill
and cheering on everyone that made it down

Princess B

is not exactly a snow bunny.

She hates to be cold.

Uncle Ryan convinced her otherwise.
She rocked that little green sled.

ever the independent one
wanted to do the big hill
(How do 3 year olds know what by "myself" is?)
I wouldn't have done it, it was so steep.
She shot like a rocket clear across the field.
And headed right back up to go again.

Caden and Ryan tag teamed the "jump"
(it was a foot or so bump, but you know,


We might as well call them
Kobe Bryant
they caught so much air.
Yeah, not so much, but it thrilled the pants off Caden.

"Did you see that mom?"
"Did you see us do the jump?"
"I saw it buddy, that was way cool!"
"Yeah, I know."

Fun was had all around.
I even went down the hill in my work out clothes
and fuzzy pink slippers.
No pictures necessary.

I effectively ruined Cohen's entire life,
or at least five minutes of it,
by bringing him inside before he was ready.

But I plan to buy his affection back
by buying a new sled tomorrow.

I have the utmost confidence
that all will be forgiven.

Monday, January 19, 2009

Love for the Binky

We are trying to lose the Binky,
so whenever Cohen takes it out
or sets it down in the morning
I take it
and hide it
until nap time.

He has learned of this evil deed
and now keeps an eagle eye out.

He has learned to multitask so I can't take it
while he is not looking.

Two fingers on the shake,
and two on the binky.

The other hand is clutching the blanket.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Victory is MINE!

"Another battle won, but not the war"
"But tomorrow's another day,
and I'm thirsty anyway"
"So Bring on the Rain"

Thank you JoDee Messina for phrasing it so well.

Potty Wars

Does this look like a happy face?

What about this?

Or this?

Imagine what my face looked like.

I hate potty training.

She actually started to fall asleep while crying on the potty
because I would not let her get up until she pooped
and after 15 minutes of crying she was nodding off.

I hate today
because today I am a mean mom
who doesn't want to clean out one more
pair of poopy underwear
or clean up one more puddle of pee.
I don't have pictures of my kids smiling on the potty.
Potty training in this house is like waging war
I hate it.
Obviously so do my kids.

Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Gag, gag, throw up in my mouth, gag

Wanna hear something gross?
You better believe I did not take pictures of this.
No illustrations necessary.

Kenna came running into Caden's room where I was tidying up

"Mom, Mom, Cohen is eating poop."


"Moooommmm...Cohen is eating poop!"

"How did he get poop?"

You see at this point I wasn't so concerned.
We had made no bake cookies a few days before
and I thought he must be eating one of those.

Because even though it is 11:00 am.
My kids are still in their jammies,
and cohen's are zippered with feet,
so even if he pooped,
the chances of him getting to it to eat it were slim.

"On the floor, he's eating it."

"Where did he get poop?"

Kenna pulled out her most innocent face and said
"I don't know mom. He's just eating it."

"Did you poop in your underwear Kenna?"

We're struggling right now, both with lying,
and with pooping in the potty.

"No mom. I didn't."

So i walked into the hall and sure enough.
There is my 20 month old son
trying to spit and claw stuff out of his mouth.
saying "uh oh, ucky, ucky, ma, ucky"

So there were not only poop pellets on my carpet,
but also chewed up slobbery bits of poop that Cohen had spit everywhere.


"Sorry mom, sorry. I go sit in time out."

"Did you poop in your panties?"

Big blue eyes filling with tears, head bent,
"I wanna say sorry. I wanna say sorry."
"I'm sorry mom, I'm sorry"

Don't feel bad for her!

Feel bad for me!

She is the consummate little actress.
She can whip out the tears at any moment.

If she was really sorry she would poop in the dang toilet
so I wasn't cleaning out underwear EVERY DAY!
AND... and this is a big and

IF she was really sorry.


Monday, January 12, 2009

I loved this day...

My mom was always saying

Why can't you guys just get along?
Why can't you all be friends?

I never got it.

Now that I am a mom,
I find myself wailing
"Why can't you just get along?"
"Be friends!"

And they look at me like I am nuts.

But every once in a while I get a day like this day
(It was in October)

Even with a million other kids in the play place
They were friends.




I get it now.
This made my heart happy.
I loved this day.

Friday, January 9, 2009

Girls Just Want to Have Fun!

So my last post was a little depressing
Lets be honest.

But today
there were no down feelings

There were pedicures

and manicures

and sitting in a massaging chair
while my feet soaked in hot bubbly water.
Ahhh... Bliss

And the best of friends to share it with.

And the best of food to savor and enjoy.

Thank you, thank you, Holly and Cory.

Holly, because you are the best of best friends
You know me better than I know myself I think,
and you shared your Christmas present with me and Caitlin

Cory because that is the
rockinest Christmas Present ever.

Who are you?
Who thinks of a giving the gift
of an entire girls night out to their wife?
and then offers to watch ALL of the kids?
It was perfect.
Thank you.